To be friend or not to be friend

Sometimes you are blinded because you are into him. Its the beginning of the relationship and that is when it is the most beautiful. All is so perfect and nothing could go wrong.
I accepted that we could be friends until he made the fatal mistake of kissing me. Little did I know that, that would be the first and last time he would kiss me like that. I do not regret it. I am hurt by it though. I led my heart to believe that it was different this time. I feel so stupid!!
I had one goal in mind and I should have stuck to it. Ughhhhh! I vow not to let it happen again.
I feel sorry for the next guy who crosses my path. Its not his fault but if he really wants what I want then its not going to matter.
So now I am faced with the question...do I continue this friendship or do I take back my promise and tell him to f off?

Beginning of a broken heart

I feel like my heart hurts. My breathing is shallow and my eyes are swollen from crying. Its my own fault. I was told from the beginning. Why do I let my heart guide me? Why do I continue this pattern of behavior? What can I do to stop this insanity? I feel that this time this time this time is different. Its finally here. Love has found me and finally I'm going to have my fairytale. Why does it always end the same? My heart getting hurt! Somehow I don't learn. This time I hurt myself. I knew what I was getting into. I knew from the start. Nobody lied to me but myself. I have to be stubborn.

chivlary

What is your level of chivalry? Would you go back in time and throw your coat over a puddle so her shoes won't get dirty? Nowadays it's not when a thought because there it's concrete everywhere. People don't walk on non paved paths.
So what would be considered chivalrous today?
Opening door?
Pumping gas?
Paying for food?

loss

when we loose our keys we pray that we find them so we could get on our way. "please God let me find me keys so i can get to work"  After we find them we thank God.  "Thank you so much. Thank God!"
if we don't find them then we go to our back up plan.  either we have an extra set of keys or we could call in sick.  either way we are relieved that we can deal with that situation.

when we loose a loved one, we can pray for their soul. "please God take their soul in heaven and take care of them for us."  There is no relief weather they went to heaven or hell or even purgatory.  We also are left with an empty space where that person use to be.  It is a difficult time for everyone. 
Yes we hurt but we are being selfish!  God owns our souls and they are only going back to him.  We are made from the dust of the earth and we return back to the earth.

We should be rejoicing for them!  They finally get to go home.  Our time here on Earth is a short time and we should all understand it is borrowed time.  Make the most of it and love everyone in it! Please let the lost souls rest in peace with God by now worring about them or crying for them.

making decisions

when you make a decision you have to stick to it. but sometimes you get that inkling inside you that tells you not to go for it.
i had to make a decision yesterday and i decided to just stay quiet. in the end it is for the best. it was a decision between two and it was a backup plan. don't worry the first plan will not back out.
i was left with something inside that i cannot describe. it's like an anxiety that stayed with me. 
why has this had so much effect on me? i don't understand it. 
in the end we have to agree to disagree. i know it affects the lives of others but it will also affect my life.
right now my immediate state and happiness is what is important because if im not then it could be disastrous!!

family

family is the support group we have to help us through thick and thin.  am I being selfish when I think about being selective with my family?
a long lost family member made an appearance in my family not too long ago. I use to love this family member I even felt bad for them a long time ago. now I see them and what they really have become of themselves, mostly bad, and i don't feel bad anymore.
everybody had different circumstances in which they were brought up. some bad some good. in the end everyone has a choice: to either follow in the bad footsteps or step out of that make something of yourself.
so i pray and i'll ask everyone else to pray also that my family member finally grow up and move past this stage in life or to please move as far away as possibe and leave us alone.
i have been recreating over and over our interactions for a couple of days now and each time it seems like it was a nightmare. yes it was that bad.

love

what is love? to me its finding out my brother loves me. he talks good things about me. you see my brother and i don't have much interaction with each other even though we live in the same house. we hardly have serious in dept conversations or even silly conversations about nothing. 
well i was told that he does love and alot. 
i felt awesome! 
not that i even sat down and thought about weather he did love me or not. i just went about my life thinking that he at least didn't hate me.  he tolerated me.
but hearing that made my day. i cried. i had too. it was too many emotions at once.  i felt proud of him that he thought that way about me and that "Russel the Muscle" does have a heart!!
i love my baby brother too!!